Think Twice
by Golden Nutleys
Summary: Found this story I wrote a few years ago and Figured I'd repost it Don't say what you're about to say. Look back before you leave my life. Be sure before you close that door Before you roll those dice, baby think twice.


_I wrote this fic a few years ago. It is very long but I can't seem to find all of the individual parts on my computer. If I can, I will partition it, but no promises!_

Title: Think Twice

Completed: November 14, 2003

Rating: Hmmm… I guess I'll go with a PG-13 here, for strong language.

Spoilers: Up to Manchester I/II

Disclaimer: Oh if wishing made it so… And props to Celine Dion for such a great song,

that I don't own either.

Feedback: Please, please, please.

Summary: Don't say what you're about to say. Look back before you leave my life. Be sure before you close that door; Before you roll those dice, baby think twice.

Author's Note: It had always bugged me that we didn't get to see what made Abbey finally forgive Jed for deciding to run again, and I hadn't read too many fics addressing it either. And, with the state of affairs in the Bartlet household a bit out of order again, I thought it would be a good topic to delve into. One can only hope they do the same on the show.

A soft breeze swept up through the fields on the mid-June night. Enough to cool down the rolling Manchester landscape, but not strong enough to do more than ruffle the curtains in the windows of the Bartlet Farm House.

Abbey stepped from the car that had brought her back from the school and walked towards the house, breathing in the air with a soft smile. 'This is home,' she thought.

She had lived in many places, near and far, and had always subscribed to the theory that a home isn't a place, it's a people. But after four years in the White House, and the years before that in the Governors' Mansion, and those split between hospitals in New York and Boston, she was beginning to lose that belief. Sure, she called all of those places home, and she felt comfortable in each one.

But there was something about this place, something about its history. That so many members of her family had lived there before and, God willing, would continue to do so. She could almost feel their presence around her. She loved that in every room there were a million memories to be found. Birthdays, anniversaries, first steps, accidents, arguments.

As she stepped onto the porch and through the door, she nodded greetings to Toby and Doug who were still deep into what she was sure they would call "discussion."

"Good evening, fellas."

"Ma'am." 

"Mrs. Bartlet."

Their formality grated at her nerves.

"This is my home!" she wanted to scream. "This isn't just an extension of your offices. This is where I should be just Abbey, Mom or Grandma. This isn't the People's House. Your tax dollars don't pay for it."

She began to wonder blindly through the rooms on the first floor. "Right where you are standing is where Liz crawled for the first time. Over there, Jed taught the girls to dance while they stood on his feet. From that porch I've watched my daughters and their cousins play a million games of tag and wiffle ball, and now I'm watching their children do the same. See the crack in that table, that's what broke Ellie's fall when she and Zoey were in the middle of an all out brawl. And in a room upstairs, I have spent more nights with my husband than any of you will. But because of you and your ideals maybe, just maybe, one day I will come back to this house alone forever!"

So lost within herself, Abbey didn't even realize that she had walked all the way up the stairs and into the room she had been thinking of last. She shook those negative thoughts out of her head.

"No," she said aloud, "I haven't been anything but positive and I am not going to start now."

Her hand gripped the nearby bed post and she slowly became aware of the sounds around her. This is why she loved this house. The memories held great meaning, but she loved the fact that she could hear her three grown daughters yelling and singing right down the hall. She didn't need to go look for them or ask an agent where they were. In fact, even if she had wanted to, she couldn't because the agents had learned long ago that their presence inside of the house in a protective capacity was not a welcome one.

She nodded in silent recognition. That's what it was. She felt safe in this house. Not just physically, as she did in Washington, but emotionally and spiritually. She felt safe knowing that all she had to do was call out and she would know where her children were. She felt safe knowing where everything was and that it all belonged to her and her family. She felt safe knowing she could do things for herself in this house. She felt safe surrounded by 35 years of unbreakable, devoted marriage.

Or was it?

For the past few weeks, ever since the first announcement, she had been trying to say positive. Once the initial feelings of betrayal and hurt had worn off, she had actually been dealing well with her anger. She had been trying to see Jed's side in all of this and why he had changed his mind. She had even tried reaching out to him, only to find that he was shutting down too.

Now, as she thought about it, maybe she really hadn't done a good job working past her feelings. Maybe trying to pretend that everything was going to be just fine, that she understood him, was the wrong thing to do.

And now, back in this house, in their home, everything was flooding back. Suddenly, no reason seemed good enough. There was nothing that she could find that could justify losing all of this. Not 45 minutes before, she had been offering her husband advice on how to deal with his staff. But where was the advice for her? What could he do to make this better?

God, she would give anything to go back four years, to that kitchen right downstairs, after three weeks of campaigning that had left Jed exhausted and sick, when the deal was put on the table.

"It's that, or I walk. I can't do this with you," she had said, her hear torn with desire to share him with the world and the jealously to preserve him only for her.

She still remembers the look of despair in his eyes. She was hitting him when he was down, when his heart wouldn't argue with his mind. "And I can't do this without you," he choked out.

No, when she came home one night 5 years ago to find him sitting at the kitchen table, staring at a cocktail napkin.

Or maybe she should go back eight years, to the moment when the doctor first said the letters MS and her world shattered.

Or before that, when he first went after public office. Maybe she should have tried to keep him in teaching.

Or 33 years before when Elizabeth was born and he vowed that he would make the world a better place for her and her children.

Or the day she said I do.

Or the night, was it forty years ago, that she found him seated on the bank of St. Mary's Lake at Notre Dame, staring into the murky waters as couples passed him by.

"You shouldn't be out here all by yourself," she called to him, jerking him from his reverie, the darkness shadowing his face.

"I should say the same to you miss. It's late, and there are strange men lurking about," the young man in the shadows returned.

She should have been scared, she thinks now; she should have ran away, back into the arms of the boy she had just ditched a little further up the path. But there was something about the way he sat and the lilt to his voice that pulled her closer.

"Well, at least people will look at me and say, 'Poor dumped girl.' People will look at you and say, 'Perv.'"

And he laughed. Not the deep belly one that she would come to know so well, but a chuckle that caused his chestnut hair to fall into his eyes and pervaded its way right into her soul.

"Well, looking at you, and judging the state of a guy who stormed pass here a little while ago, I think that you did the dumping tonight."

"Well, I think that you have been doing some serious soul searching tonight and got a little bit lost."

She had expected him to laugh again, she wanted him to. But what she got was even better. He cocked his head up towards her. As his hair fell off of his forehead, the moon picked that moment to hit the water and shine right up onto his face. He smiled slyly at her and opened his eyes to reveal two crystal blue pools flooded with unshed emotion. She was breathless.

"It's a good thing you found me, then," the still unnamed man said, removing his jacket and laying it on the grass beside him. She sat before he could even ask her to.

"Well, aren't we assuming that I wasn't just airing out my jacket?" he said.

She moved to get up. "Well, I could…" she said softly as her mind screamed, 'Don't let me go!' 

"NO!" he yelled, just a bit too loud for the silence around them, "I'm sorry. I meant, please stay… There's just something… I mean… God, I'm bad at this…"

He turned his head back towards the ground, a gesture she sensed even then was deeply rooted in a loss of love that went well beyond that of a girlfriend.

'God, I was so brazen,' she thinks now, remembering how she reached out to touch this man she had never met, yet felt like she had always known.

She lifted his chin and turned his head to hers, locking their gazes. "Well, then let's take it slow. I'm Abbey."

"I'm Jed."

"See, that wasn't so hard?"

And now here she was, forty years, a marriage, three children and two grandchildren later. They had seen each other through thick and thin, through moments of happiness and despair that others could not even dream about.

Every time they reached a point of unparalleled happiness and thought it could never be surpassed, it was.

And every time she thought they had hit rock bottom, they pulled themselves back together, remembering one night on the shores of a tiny lake that changed the course of their lives.

No. No matter what she was feeling right now, she wouldn't change any of it. She could not imagine having something missing from her life: her girls, her friends, her career. Jed.

But now she was being faced by that most horrible of all of her fears; losing him.

It had always been easy when they fought, maybe because they were always debating things. Some debates were louder and more forceful than others, but they had always managed to bounce back, leaning on the strength of their love, their friendship, or their marriage which ever had been the one not violated, to stand on.

Now, though, she felt so deeply betrayed, for all three had been thrown aside.

Her lover had shaken her to the core with a decision that seemed to indicate her love might not be enough, that there was something more important than her heart.

Her best friend had broken her trust. He had shut her out and laid her aside, finding others to believe in.

Her husband, who had stated to her on an altar in front of God and nearly everyone they knew that no matter what day death chose to take him it would still be a day too soon, appeared to be jumping head first into his grave. And he was not even looking back to say goodbye.

For the first time, Abbey had lost all of him. Parts had gone missing before, but they had always found their way back. And deep inside, she knew they would again. But would they be the same?

Would he still be the man that she married? Would he still be that boy sitting at the lake?

And if he wasn't, could she still stand by him? Could she still give her heart to a man she once knew?

No, she had been wrong before. Her worst fear was not losing Jed, for she had long ago come to some type of terms with the fact that she might someday.

Her worst fear was held deep inside her heart. Something she never truly believed she would or could do, but something she feared she might in a rash moment. She had threatened to do it in the past, sometimes jokingly, once seriously. But it had always been serious to him and he had always acquiesced to her. But if that man is gone, would the new one give in so easily?

For her greatest fear was not losing him.

Her greatest fear was letting him go.

She didn't know how long she stood there, wrapped in her indecision, praying for a push in one direction or the other. It was long enough, though, that she again withdrew from the sounds of the house. So much so that she didn't hear the footsteps in the hallway. Nor did she hear the door crack open. 

--------------------------------------------------

"WELL IF YOU WOULD SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE FOR A SECOND YOU WOULD KNOW WHERE I AM GOING!!!"

The shout from the doorway shocked Abbey so much that she jumped backwards, falling onto the bed with a scream. "AAAHH!"

"Holy Crap!" The door swung open, revealing an equally thrown Ellie. "Mom! What the hell are you doing here?"

Abbey fought to get her breathing under control. "Last time I checked, this was my room not yours young lady. So I think the question is…"

"That's not what I meant. I mean, we didn't think you were home yet. We didn't here you come in," Ellie stammered.

"I'm not surprised with the sound level that's coming from your room. I would have thought that Toby would have been up here pulling out the plugs by now."

"Oh, he tried. Several times. But since Dad wasn't here to side with him, we pulled rank," Ellie said with a chuckle.

And there it was again. That soft laugh that went straight to her heart. Ellie might be her little shadow, but the real reason she and Jed always clashed was not that they were too different, but too much alike. She had her fathers' awesome brilliance and humbling naivety. She had his desire to conquer the world and his giving heart. She had his blatant desire to be right, and his fear of success.

And she had that laugh. That little gag, barely louder than a soft cough that could shake her every time she heard it. She had known that their children would look like him, think like him and act like him. But if anyone had told her that they would laugh like him too, she would not have believed it.

'God,' she thought, 'whatever I decide will haunt me forever. Just like that laugh.'

"…so then Zoey said, 'Well, why don't you just wear that black shirt of Mom's. You know the one with the thing?' And so I said…. Mom? Mom!? Hel-loooo?"

Abbey had drifted so far away again that she didn't even notice that Ellie had been talking to her. "What? Yeah… Sorry… I… Yeah," she shook her head, wiping her eyes before she looked to meet Ellie's. "So, what were you in here for?"

"Ok," Ellie said, squinting in concern, "So we were… you know what? That story is too long to tell again."

"No, I'm listening. Tell me."

"Nah. The point is that I was coming in to borrow your black shirt…"

"The one with the thing?" Abbey said, making a motion with her hands.

"No, the other thing," Ellie returned, making her own gesture.

"Ok. Yeah, I think I brought that with me," Abbey said, getting up from her spot on the bed and walking to the closet, trying desperately to avoid her daughter's prying eyes.

"Good," Ellie said, reaching to grab her mother as she passed. "Hey."

"Yeah," Abbey answered, her eyes darting around the room.

"Are you ok? You looked a little out of it when I came in here?" Abbey brought her free hand up to her face, waving off her concern. "Actually, you haven't looked in it for a while now."

"What? No, I'm fine." She could see Ellie tilt her head in disbelief out of the corner of her eye. "So, where are you girls going? Are you…"

And now it was Ellie's turn to zone out as she steeled herself for what she was going to say next. She and her sisters had known that things had been bad for the past month. They could hear the tension in their parents' voices and could see it in their eyes. But where these things normally got better, this was only getting worse. They could see their father aching and their mother barely holding on. As if they just ignored it long enough, it would go away.

However, Liz was the only one that was supposed to know what "it" was. Liz was the only one their mother had told about "the deal." But, in a moment of despair after his announcement, Liz had told Ellie and promptly sworn her to secrecy. 

And she had intended to keep that secret, but after seeing her parents together, Ellie realized she couldn't. This was a much bigger deal than when Liz told her the dent in their father's car was made not by her but by Mike Stevens, who had been driving the car without a license. This was real life.

"…but I don't think the service would let you go there. And now I can't find that shirt…"

Ellie reached to stop her mother's rambling. "I know about the deal."

Abbey immediately tensed under her touch. "What?"

"I know. Lizzie told me."

Her mother looked up into her eyes, showing Ellie a mix of fear and heartbreak that she had never seen in them before. For a moment, she thought that it was possible for them to have a rational discussion about this. As a result, she was caught totally off guard by what happened next.

Abbey laughed in disappointment and anger, and walked towards the closet, "Well, that's no surprise."

"Mom!" Ellie exclaimed, shocked by her mother's tone.

"No, I mean none of us have been able to keep anything quiet in this house. I mean, I am surprised that the whole world didn't know about your father's MS."

"What the hell, Mom?"

"No, I mean, how long did she keep that one in? A few days? A week?" Abbey asked, her voice now muffled by the closet.

Ellie was quickly becoming enraged, but she held it back. She got the feeling that her mother needed someone to yell at, she needed to get the pain out. So, instead of being her quiet self, Ellie pushed on. "She told me right after the press conference."

Abbey's head poked out of the closet. "Oh."

"I was sitting in my living room. Alex and Meg were screaming in disbelief and we were jumping on the couch. I was so happy. I was so proud of him." She lifted her head to meet her mother's eyes. "And then the phone rang and it was Lizzie. And she was in tears. I thought she was happy too. I even laughed about it. But then she said, 'No, El, you don't understand. This wasn't supposed to happen.'

"So I sat there on the phone with her for an hour. She told me the whole story. About the campaign and what you said to him and how he gave in to you. I listened to her rant and rave, hoping the kids weren't listening. Then Doug came in and needed her. So we hung up."

"I'm sorry," Abbey said, turning back into the closet. "I should have…"

"And I was so angry," Ellie said, stepping into the doorway, effectively cornering Abbey in the small room.

'That's my girl,' Abbey thought, smiling at her, 'I knew I could count on her.'

As if she were reading her mind, Ellie took one more step into the room and said, in a voice that Abbey had never heard come from her lips, "I was so angry at YOU."

The malice in her voice shocked Abbey. "What?!"

"How could you have done that to him? How could you have played him like that?"

Ellie could clearly tell that her Mother was shocked with her response. They had always been allies in everything, so she was sure that Mom expected her to be with her in this too.

But there was no way she could be. Not when she saw with her own eyes all of the wonderful things her father had done as President. Not when she could feel the pain of the past weeks that was practically seeping out of his pores. Now when she, despite what she told others, still got chills every time she saw him step onto a stage, sign a treaty or shake hands with a child. Not when she thought "the deal" was just plain wrong.

"How could I? My God, Ellie. You of all people… You who has hated this for years. I thought you would understand!" Abbey choked out.

Ellie clenched her jaw. "My dislike for all of this," she punctuated by waving her hands, "is a whole other subject, which I have come to deal with."

"So how can you not…"

"What? Not understand that this deal was all for medical reasons. That you were afraid of what this job would do to him?"

"Yes!"

"Bullshit."

Abbey gasped. "Eleanor."

"I'm sorry Mom, but it is and you know it," Ellie stepped further into the closet. "This was all about you. You being worried that you were going to lose him in every way. "

"Oh, I am not going to listen to this," Abbey said, pushing her daughter out of the way as she went back into the bedroom.

"You've never walked away from a fight before, Mom. You always said we should stand up, no matter what the cost!"

Abbey spun around. "Well I sure as hell am not going to stand here while you scream at me, Eleanor Emily. This isn't a fight, it's an inquisition."

Ellie was unfazed by the use of her full name. "I wasn't talking about me. I was talking about Dad."

"I am not walking away from that fight. Besides, that has nothing to do with you."

"Of course it does! This is our family…"

"But this is my marriage!" Abbey yelled back, not caring who heard her. "This has nothing to do with us as parents. This is about a husband making a promise to his wife. This is about two people who…"

"Then why are you being so self-centered? Why is this all about you?" Ellie asked.

"ME?! You think this is all about me?" Abbey exclaimed, bringing her hand to her chest. "If anyone is being selfish here, it is your father who decided, with who knows whose advice, to break the only real promise that I ever asked him to make to me, other than our wedding vows."

"Which was all about you," Ellie returned.

"Well, I don't know Ellie, getting married was your father's idea," Abbey said, sarcastically.

"You know what I meant," Ellie growled.

"So now we are back to that again!"

"Yes we are. Because that is what this is all about. It is about you being scared of losing him to his work. To other people, not the disease."

"Ellie…" Abbey said, stepping up to her daughter.

"From the time we were little, you both taught us that when it is our time to go it happens, no matter where we are. Nothing we can do will change that. That thinking has gotten you through 25 years of medicine," Ellie continued, not flinching.

"I know…"

"It allowed me to come to terms with being a doctor."

"This isn't about other people…"

"Whatever is going to happen to him is going to happen. There is no way we can change that."

"But certain things can…"

"Don't even try the medical card with me, Mom," Ellie said, cutting her off. "That might work with Zoey or Liz, but I know better. I know that quitting now would kill him for sure, so don't event try it."

"Dammit, Ellie," Abbey responded, pounding her fist on the food of the bed, "I am your mother and I think I deserve a little more respect than this."

Everyone has a moment when they realize that they aren't children anymore. When they know they can no longer truly be held down by there parents and they have to speak to them in the same manner as they would to anyone else.

For Ellie, this was that moment. Her whole life, she had been the quiet one. Every family has one. She was mild mannered, well behaved and 99 percent of the time, caved in the face of strong opposition from her parents, for she was the good child. But just a few months before, she had stood toe to toe with her father in the most powerful room in the world. And now, as she silently prayed for forgiveness, she was about to do the same to her mother.

Ellie clenched her jaw. "RESPECT?!" Abbey was momentarily blown back by the force of her daughter's voice. "After keeping this from me, from Zoey, from the kids, you want my respect? We aren't the world, Mom. We are your family. How long would you have let us believe that Dad was a quitter? That he was too scared to face the world, not that he was honoring a promise? If anyone else finds out about this, the only respect you are going to be getting is from the Republican Leadership!"

Ellie knew that last line was a low blow, but her eyes never left her Mother's face, which was just as tight and determined as her own.

"Eleanor, you just don't understand it all, no one does."

"I understand that this is about you being too afraid of what the job could entail…"

"That's it." Abbey moved towards the door.

"About you knowing how good he would be at this…"

"I will not listen to…" Abbey reached for the doorknob.

"About you not believing that he could really win," Ellie said softly, her voice cracking.

Abbey's hand stopped right above the knob and her head fell.

--------------------------------------------------

Ellie held her breath. She could not believe what she had just said, but it didn't stop her from continuing.

"I know you, Mom. And I know that you would have never asked him to make a promise like that if you really thought he would have to go through with it."

Ellie watched as her mother's hand dropped to grip the doorknob. 'Well, if she's going to leave the room and never talk to me again, I should just get it all out there,' she thought.

"And everyone is thinking that you are really mad at him because he decided to run again. And you are. But that's not all of it. I'm thinking that you are madder at yourself for making the deal in the first place, for not having enough faith in him, and you are letting it translate into anger towards him.

"You are mad at him for winning and for being loved by so many people. You are so mad that he is so good at this. It would be so much easier to fight for this deal if he sucked at it all. So you wish that you could just forget that you ever made this deal in the first place. But that stubborn streak in you won't let you. No matter what, he broke a promise he made, a promise that, in reality, you never expected him to have to keep."

Ellie was gasping for breath when she finished her speech, her eyes never leaving Abbey's back as she waited for the barrage she thought was going to come. However, she never could have prepared for what was going to happen.

Abbey's hand released the door and fell to her side. As she began to turn around, Ellie's once focused eyes dropped to the ground, her hair covering her face. Her adult strength had been replaced by a child-like guilt as she waited for her mother to counter her accusations.

But instead of a tirade, she only heard a whisper.

"He had been working so hard, pushing more than anyone ever should. And at that point, it was all for nothing. And even though we all knew it was just supposed to be a ruse, I got scared. Scared of what would happen to him if he actually won. And then he got sick and I got angry."

Ellie lifted her head, her brow crunched in confusion. This was not expected, nor was what she saw. Her mother was leaning up against the bedroom door, arms folded, her head tilted backwards and her eyes were vacant and fixed on the ceiling.

"And it seemed like right after that night. Right after we decided… The numbers… The numbers were just starting to come up. But I just didn't think… I mean no one did…"

It took Ellie a moment to realize what she was seeing on her mother's face, for it was something she could never recall ever seeing before. It was defeat.

"And the funny thing is that, now, when I think about it, I can't even think of the real reason why I even agreed to the deal," Abbey stated with a soft, strained laugh.

"Mom, it's okay if… wait?" Ellie's mind had been so preoccupied with feeling guilty at what she was putting her mother through that she almost missed the last thing she said.

"Ellie, I'm telling you the truth here," Abbey interrupted. "I mean, I guess all of that was part of it. In my mind, I was just thinking of medicine and odds. But, God, you know, I don't think I could honestly say that there wasn't more playing into it."

Abbey pushed away from the door and began to walk the room, her arms folded. She continued to talk, but now it was mostly to herself.

"Maybe I was just trying to justify the guilt I felt at being jealous. Or maybe I was scared. But that doesn't change the fact that he lied to me…"

"Mom, did you just say that you agreed to the deal?" Ellie interrupted, her voice clearly displaying her confusion.

"Huh?" Abbey returned, still distracted.

"You just said you 'couldn't think of the real reason why you even agreed to the deal.' What did you mean by that?" Ellie questioned.

A nervousness entered her mother's step and she began to fidget. "What? No that's not what I said? What I meant was…"

"Mom, what really happened with dad?"

"You know what happened. He got sick. We made a deal. End of story."

"I don't think it is. I don't think you told Liz the whole story." Ellie was confused. From the way Liz had described it to her, it was their Mom that had challenged their Dad. But from the way she was starting to break, Ellie was beginning to doubt that story.

"Listen, Ellie, it's just that…" Abbey said, still not making eye contact.

"What?"

Her mother stopped her pacing and took a deep breath, a move that Ellie had long ago learned came when she was going to try and repress something.

Abbey shook her head and turned to Ellie. "You know what, let's just leave it."

"Whoa," Ellie said, jumping up and stepping in front of her mom. "We are not going to just leave this."

"Yes we are. I'll forget about most of the things you said and you do the same for me."

"Huh, Mom I don't understand. Why are you shutting down here? This is what you have been doing for weeks. To me, Liz, Zoey and most of all dad. We were almost there and now you are going to close me off. Tell me why?" Ellie said, her tone bordering on pleading.

"Ellie… Ellie you just wouldn't understand," Abbey said, her resolve beginning to wear down.

"Then help me. Make me understand, Mom. Why wouldn't I understand?" Ellie questioned, her voice full of desperation.

"Because I don't even understand it."

"I don't…"

"Because I don't even understand how I can blame myself for something that wasn't even my idea in the first place!"

Abbey could see the look of shock and confusion on her daughter's face.

"What do you mean it wasn't your idea?" Ellie asked softly. "You've been taking all of the crap for this. Why would you lie?"

Abbey resumed her pacing. "No. I'm not really lying."

"But you…"

"But," she interrupted. "I haven't told you the entire truth."

Abbey could see the wheels turning in her daughter's head.

"I don't get… What do you mean not the entire truth?" Ellie responded, her voice again beginning to take that manic edge.

Abbey stepped towards the window and gazed outward. This was the moment she had been trying to avoid. It was so much easier just to say that she had made him agree to one term. That she, with all of her medical knowledge and moral fortitude had said "You do this and we'll keep quiet." And when she thought that, it made her anger seem so much more rational.

But now she was stuck. There was no way Ellie was going to let her out of this. She could no longer run from the truth.

"Mom," Ellie stated, impatiently.

"I can't even remember the exact date now. It was sometime early in the campaign though. Everything had been going just fine, no real bumps. It looked like everything was going to go like clockwork. He would force Hoynes to run a better campaign, take a couple of hits and we would all go home. And he had been feeling fine."

Abbey was speaking, but in her mind she was somewhere else. Somewhere four years before. Sitting in the den, watching "Friends." It had been a Thursday night.

"Then he went on an extended trip. Three weeks worth of campaign stops, shaking hands, kissing babies. I was there for the first part of it. To think of it, you were there too," she said, addressing her daughter, but not looking her way.

If she had been looking, she would have seen Ellie's face widen in recognition. "I remember that trip."

"And we left him after the first week. I needed to work, you had school. But we talked every night. And I could tell he was getting tired. Then he started yawning and coughing. And I would watch him on the news or c-span. He went from being energetic and ruddy, to pale and drawn out. But all I could do was ask, every night "You okay?" and all he would say was "Yeah."

"Then, on the last night of the trip, I was sitting at home, waiting for him to get there. Listening for the car in the driveway. It was about 8:30. And the phone rang. It was Leo calling to ask me to come and pick him up. He said that Jed was dead on his feet. He could barely walk a straight line and, if he didn't know any better, thought he was having trouble seeing.

"Mom, the details aren't that important," Ellie tried to interrupt, but to no avail.

"So I went down and picked him up. And, my God Ellie, I don't think I have ever seen him look any worse, even after he had been shot. And I should have been scared. I should have been gentle. I should have been a wife and not a doctor. But for some reason, I wasn't.

"We walked in the back door and he collapsed into a kitchen chair. He couldn't even make it further than that. I went and got my bag and started asking him questions, trying to keep my anger at bay. But he would barely answer them. He was putting me off so I wouldn't berate him for working so hard…"

Abbey paused with a swallow and Ellie raised her head. At the window, her mother was fighting a visible battle with her emotions, for this was the part of the story she hated. This was the one thing in her life that she might never be able to forgive herself for. She began again, her voice shaking.

"So I lost it. I don't know why. I don't know where all of the words came from. But I just started to scream at him. I asked him if he knew what he was doing to himself, if he knew what he was doing to us. If he knew how I had watched him on TV every night fearing that the next shot they showed would be of him collapsing. I asked him how it felt to be keeping such a secret. I asked how he expected to keep this a secret for the rest of the campaign if he was sick all of the time. 

"And I asked," she stopped, tears beginning to pool in her eyes, "I asked how he expected me to keep all of this in for four years, no, for eight years in the White House. How he expected me to be able to deal with this all by myself. I asked him to show me how.

Ellie moved slowly to her mother's side.

"And then, that was the first time he spoke. I had gone on for what felt like an hour. And all he could say was 'How?'

For the first time, Abbey's face fell from the window. "I said 'I don't know, Jed. But all I know is that I can't do this with you. Not like this.' And he, I remember it like it just happened; he slowly pushed himself up from the table, barely able to hold his own weight. And he moved towards the doorway. I thought he was just going to leave and give me sometime. But he stopped at the jam, leaning against it to rest. And in a voice I could barely hear said, 'And I can't do this without you.'

"Oh, Mom," Ellie sighed, "I'm sorry I…"

"And I thought that was it," Abbey interrupted. "I figured he would go to bed and either wouldn't remember in the morning or we would just have our usual apologies and then I would lecture him on taking care of himself or else. But I should have remembered. I should have known that he would take what I had said the wrong way. That he would have thought I was serious. That I would actually consider leaving."

She chuckled, "He's always come running after me. No matter what, he's always stopped me."

"Mom, when did you try and…"

"That's not important," Abbey cut her off. "So the next morning, actually it was more like afternoon, I was back down in the kitchen when he came stumbling in. He looked light years better. It's amazing what sleep will do for you. And I was about to ask what he wanted to eat, about to apologize when, from the same spot he had stood in the night before, he just said, 'One term.' I was confused. 'One term and we keep it only to those who know now or figure it out. One term and I'll pray everyday that the good things I am doing eclipse the immensity of my lie. One term and I'll bring you back here and we can be like normal people, no more politics. One term. For me. For God. For you.'

"And I should have stopped him. Gone over, wrapped him in my arms and begged for his forgiveness. Asked if we could just forget all that I had said. Said we would cross that bridge if we come to it. Pulled from my years with him and known that he could never leave anything half done. I could have shook my head, patted his cheek, called him a good husband and made a joke about me not being able to get away from him. I should have done all of this things. But all I did was say 'Yes.'"

Abbey took a deep breath and moved away from the window, her hands beginning to fidget again. "So, like I said, it wasn't that I lied. I did make him come to this decision. But it wasn't my idea in the first place. But I wish it was. I wish I could be the one to blame in this situation. I wish I could put it all on him and rage with anger. But I can't. And maybe that's why I am even more livid. Because not only do I blame him, but I blame myself."

And with that, she sank onto the bed, putting her head into her hands. No matter how many times she thought about it, no matter how many times she had relived it in her mind, it didn't get any easier. And now, it wasn't just her own conscience she had to face. Mothers are supposed to be the strong and firm ones. But now she feared looking her own daughter in the eye. After all of the scorn and disappointment she had seen there before, her body was taught as she awaited Ellie's reaction to her confession. 

--------------------------------------------------

"You've kept this inside for 3 years?" Ellie said.

"Yes."

"And you would have let me, let Liz go on believing that you had made Dad do this. That he broke a promise he had only made to you, not to himself, not to God?"

"I can't say for sure, but probably," Abbey replied, her voice muffled by her hands.

There was a long silence. Neither woman knew for how long they had been talking. It seemed like hours when, in reality, it could have been no longer than minutes.

'I've pushed her away,' Abbey thought, 'This is why I never wanted to tell them the truth. Because none of them would understand. None of them would…"

"Do you remember when I was in Girl Scouts?" Ellie's voice interrupted her thoughts.

"What?" Abbey questioned.

"When I was in Girl Scouts. They used to have those awful square dances every year. We would have to dress up, dance around hay, the whole father-daughter deal," Ellie said matter-of-factly, as if they had been talking about this all along.

Abbey shook her head in her hands. "Yeah, of course I do. What does this have to do with anything?"

Her mother's tone conveyed a low level of annoyance, but Ellie continued. "So every year we would have that dance. And it was fun when I was little, getting dressed up and spending the whole night with Dad. Hopping and dancing around in boots and jeans. I remember when I was first a Brownie, Liz was in Juniors and she just kept going on and on about how stupid the whole things was. How all of the dad's were so embarrassing and the fact we had to wear the stupid cowgirl junk sucked."

"Yeah, your Dad, he had a special dance he loved. When ever they did it, he would go nuts and all of the other Dad's and girls would cheer," Abbey interjected, a wistful smile appearing on her face.

"Exactly. Well, I of course gave Liz what for. I mean, I was 6 and everything that Dad did was cool. But by the time Zoey was old enough to go, I had descended into that 'Dad is a dork' phase too. I could barely stand the thought of going, let alone being put on center stage when Dad started his bit. Sure everyone would tell me how great and fun he was, but it seemed like most of it was just humoring him."

Abbey chuckled, her face now up with her chin resting on her hands. "Don't we all."

"So, I think it was the year that I was 12 and Zoey was 6. The dance was a few nights away and she and Dad were all pumped for it.

"I remember I was on the phone with Sarah and we were, when I think about it now, whining like babies about any and everything. Somehow, the topic of the dance came up and I started talking about Dad's antics. I thought I was just talking to her, so I went on about how bad they were and how I would do anything if he just wouldn't do anything this year.

"I have a feeling I know where this is going," Abbey said.

"But what I didn't know was that Dad was working right outside the office window. He had heard the whole thing. And when I got off the phone, I turned around and he was standing in the doorway. He asked me if it had bothered me so much, why I hadn't told him. I said I didn't want to upset him.

"He told me what upsets him more is when one of us are unhappy so, if I wanted him to stop, he would. And it's even funnier now, after what you said, because I could have said it was fine. I could have just ignored him the whole time and let Zoey have her fun. But, instead I said, 'That would be great, thanks,' and I gave him a kiss on the cheek and walked out of the room. I never even thought that he would have been so hurt by it since he was the one offering."

"Okay, I get it now," Abbey said, pushing herself off the bed, "And it's something you still regret to this day and I should be thinking about how hard this must be on him too blah blah blah."

"No," Ellie retorted, "Well, yes, you should be, but no, that's not where I was going."

"Okaaay," Abbey said, sitting back down, "Then what was it."

"Well, before, you asked how I had come to terms with Dad being President. It's because of this story."

"Because of girl scouts and a square dance?"

"As I was saying," Ellie said, her voice slightly raised, "I didn't really understand that there was more to his dancing than just wanting to be goofy and embarrassing. So we got to the dance and he, just like he promised, was very good. He just followed the directions and danced like everyone else.

"But, as the night went on, Zoey kept asking me when Daddy was going to do is funny dance. And he kept getting pushed and prodded by the other dads. But anytime he was asked, he would just look at me and say, 'Not this year. Maybe next.' At first, I thought he was just doing it to make me feel bad.

"But then, then I realized that it was like he was looking to me for permission. Asking me to let him go have fun. And it was then that I realized he wasn't doing his stupid dance to be a bother. He didn't want me to be annoyed. He was dancing like that because, well, that's how he dances."

Abbey couldn't contain the burst of laughter that came from her lips, and Ellie responded in kind.

"It's true," Ellie continued through her laughter. "That dance was just a part of who he was, who he is. He did it because it was something he could do well, because doing it brought a lot of people some fun. If I didn't let him do it, sure I would be a little happy, but no one would have understood why he didn't do it and, most of all, no matter what he said, he wouldn't have been happy just to make me not as unhappy.

"So I left my friends, went right up to him and asked him to teach me his dance. I thought he might question me, or say that I didn't have to do that. But he just, smiled at me took my hand and we went out and did the stupid dance. And Zoey came running over and danced too.

"And it was the first time in my life that I saw Dad as a person. That I saw that although he might be a dweeb and might be incredibly embarrassing, that also meant that he was a genius and outgoing too. I realized that all of the things that annoyed me about him were what made him the person I love, I admire. I might not like all of the things he does, and I certainly won't feel bad for being embarrassed or angry with how he acts. But I could never punish him for being who he was. For being who he is."

"And when he decided to run for President, though you weren't crazy about the idea, you knew that you couldn't stop him from doing what he wanted to do," Abbey said thoughtfully.

"No, Mom. It wouldn't have been me stopping him from what he wanted to do. It would have been me stopping him from the only thing he was born to do, besides love you.

The immensity of her daughter's words set in like a ton of bricks. 'Could I be doing this? Could I be holding him back?' she thought.

"But you just said it, he loves me, he loves you all. If he truly does, than how can he go on like this? And if he does, how could any of us forgive him?" Abbey stated with soft desperation in her voice and tears on her face. "And what if I can't."

There it was. Abbey laid out her worst fear in front of her daughter. She was entirely open, human to this girl who for so long saw her as a superhero. How long would it take? What would she do if she couldn't find it in her heart to get past this? Where would she go? 

It was as if Ellie read her mind. "You can't feel bad for being angry. In some weird and twisted way, it is justified. And you can't be blaming yourself because of something you never expected to happen.

"I don't know how long it will take. I don't know when that moment will come or what it will look like. All I can say is that you will know when it does. It will be like a light switch being flipped."

"Anyone who didn't know us might wonder who the Mom is here," Abbey said, her hands wiping at her eyes.

Ellie sniffed and, for the first time, Abbey saw the tears on her face, "But whatever happens, whatever you decide to do, you have to know that we will stand by you. We will stand by both of you."

Abbey swallowed and reached for her daughter's hand. "I know."

"And I know this isn't some little square dance. I know there is more at stake here. But don't stop him from being who he is because it might hurt who you are. You've got to give a little to get a little. That's what love is."

Abbey nodded and pulled Ellie into her arms as tears rolled down both of their faces. She pulled back and took Ellie's tear stained face in her hands. She had so much she wanted to say to her, so many things she had been wanting to get out but, without a confidant, couldn't.

'Maybe this is the sign I was waiting for. Maybe she is the one who will make it all clear.' Her mind whirled.

"Ellie, I just don't…" But she never got to finish that thought.

"EL-A-BORE! WHERE ARE YOU?!" A voice shouted from the hallway, snapping both women back from the private world in which they had been dwelling.

Before they could wipe their faces adequately and pull apart, Zoey's head poked in the door.

"El, what is taking so… Mom, I didn't know you were," she paused taking in the moment she interrupted. "Is everything alright? Did something happen?"

Ellie was the first to move, gently squeezing her mother's hand before she got up. "No, we were just having a bit of a thing. No biggie."

"Are you sure? I mean," Zoey licked her pointer finger and stuck it in the air, "Yup, the breakdown winds are a blowing in here."

"Well, you need to get that radar fixed then," Ellie returned as she wiped her eyes and slapped Zoey's shoulder at the same time.

"Ow! Brat! Mooom!"

"Nope," Abbey said from the bed, "there is little that Ellie can do wrong tonight."

Ellie smiled bashfully at her mother.

"Well, maybe to you. But if she doesn't get a move on we are going to get blocked in by the motorcade. I can already hear the sirens," Zoey responded, pushing Ellie towards the door.

"I don't know. I might just stay…" Ellie said, struggling against the pushing.

"What? No way sis, this is our big night out."

"But Mom…"

"Mom," Abbey announced, standing up, "is going to be just fine."

"Really?" Ellie asked incredulously.

Abbey paused, her ears picking up the faint sound of sirens coming in on the breeze. God how she longed for the days when her husband's arrival was unheralded. When she didn't have time to prepare. "Yeah."

Ellie nodded and walked towards the door. Abbey turned away, back to the window, when she heard the footsteps behind her stop. She turned around slowly, already knowing what she was going to see.

She was a vision of her father, standing in the doorway, her left shoulder up against the molding.

"Yes?" Abbey inquired.

"I just wanted to… I mean… I… make sure you listen to him. Make sure you know everything first. But then, don't be afraid to… Just do what you have to do."

"Go."

"Okay, bye."

Ellie walked down the hall and Abbey was again alone. The sirens in the distance were getting louder, as if they were warning the countryside of the storm brewing. Reminding her with every blast that this was one depression she could no longer ignore.

She followed Ellie's steps to the doorway and reached for the light, pausing to look around, as if she might never see it again.

"Okay Ellie. I just wish I knew what that was."

And she shut off the light

--------------------------------------------------

As the door clicked shut behind her, Abbey felt lost.

"Well, what do I do now?" she said aloud despite her lack of company.

She wandered down the hallway, looking through doorways and absent-mindedly running her hands over things.

Despite her distraction, her ears were still acutely aware of the sounds around her. The sirens that had before just been a soft echo in the distance were now picking up volume and momentum as they sped towards the farm.

Suddenly, she felt like a sitting duck. Despite her conversation with Ellie, she still felt nowhere near ready to do so with the person she most needed to talk to. She knew that if she stayed inside the house, he would find her eventually, so she decided to make a run for it.

As she made her way down the back stairs she longed for the days when she could have actually have left for a while. When she could have gotten in her car and gone off to work things through. 'Then again,' she thought, 'if I had the ability to just get up and go, we wouldn't be having this particular conflict in the first place.' But now she would have to settle for the seclusion of the darkness.

She stopped in the kitchen and went into the fridge, grabbing first one, than two beers. 

"I'm not planning on coming back in for a while," she said as she slammed the door.

Drinks in hand, she flicked off the porch light and stepped through the back door, into the rapidly cooling night. She considered going back for a jacket, but then realized even the biggest down coat was going to do nothing to warm her shivering nerves.

She made her way across the porch in the dark, to the swing. She quietly deposited her bottles on the table beside it and, as quietly as possible, sat down. In the back of her mind, she knew that the Secret Service was aware of her every movement, no matter how silent she was. But, at this moment, she found solace in pretending she could fool them, like a teenager trying to avoid her parents.

She snatched one of the bottles and opened it, taking a long swig.

'Ah,' she thought, 'when did beer become a comfort food for me?'

She remembered keg parties in college, drafts in bars, tailgating and innumerable barbecues. But when did beer come to mean more than just a drink?

'What would people think if they heard the First Lady drowned her sorrows not in chocolate or French fries, but Coors and Guinness? Even better, what would they think if they heard she couldn't remember… '

And then it hit her. How could she have forgotten? She knew exactly when a nice ale, or a crappy one for that matter, became her warm milk.

It was 1964. No. '65. January. She was a senior at St. Mary's and Jed had just completed his first semester in London. She had gone over there to… 

'No,' she shook her head, her breath catching at the thought, 'That's a memory for another night.'

He had taken her all over London, to all of his favorite spots. Museums, churches, parks, theatres and restaurants.

On her last night there, he said that he had somewhere really special to take her. She had been picturing roses and candlelight so when he said she didn't have to change out of her jeans, she was surprised.

They walked through a maze of streets for what seemed like hours.

"How do you even know where you are going?" she had asked.

His eyes flicked towards her, a mischievous glint reflecting on their surface. "Oh, I don't. I just wanted to lure you off and have my way with you."

She could have laughed, but two could play at that game. She stopped in the middle of the street. "I have it on pretty good authority that you didn't have to trek me halfway across the UK to do that." He kept on walking. "Besides, it would be much more worth your while if I didn't collapse from exhaustion."

"Maybe that was the idea. Now move it! We don't have all night," he answered over his shoulder.

"Arrugh," she had grunted as she ran to catch up. "Always the romantic. Here we are. My last night here. I was thinking candlelight dinner, moonlit walk along the Thames. Instead I've got Mister master romantic Josiah Bartlet dragging me down some little alley way to God only knows where. Then I've got to get…"

Before she could finish her rant and even realize what was happening, Jed had suddenly stopped in the middle of the street, yanked her into his arms and kissed her. Abbey's brain had protested the action, making grand attempts to get her body to push him away, but to no avail.

After what seemed like minutes, he pulled back. "Am I going to have to do that every time I want you to shut up for a second?"

It had taken Abbey a second to realize that he was even speaking, let alone think up a come back. "Is that a threat or a promise?"

He chuckled and pushed her hair away from her face as his eyes took on a wistful expression. "Okay, first, I thought we said no talking about tomorrow?"

Abbey nodded.

"Good. Next, there was no candlelight dinner because I have no money to take you out, I can't cook myself, I didn't have time to make reservations," he paused, smiling slyly at her, as she blushed, "for several reasons. And I can take you out somewhere nice anytime, anywhere. But I can only take you to this place while we're in London. I promise you, we are going to have many candlelit nights, so give me this one. As for the walking; It's just you, me and the stars, how much more do you want?"

She broke away from his gaze, not wanting to show him the emotion flowing there. "Dammit, Jed. How do you manage to do that?"

"Do what?" he questioned back, moving to meet her eyes.

"Get me to go from hating you to loving you in one sentence?"

"Ah, it's a gift. Now let's go! We're almost there."

And with that, he had tugged her forward, through several more blocks until they reached the entrance to a small neighborhood pub.

Jed almost broke into a skip as he reached for the door. "Everyone else can have the museums, the restaurants, Oxford Street, the West End, all of it. This is my favorite place in all of London."

"Seriously?" she questioned.

"Yeah. Now come on," he answered, moving closer to the door.

"Seriously? I hiked like 1200 miles to go to a pub that looks exactly like the pub that is across from your flat and exactly like the other six you've taken me to this week. Like the one we went to for lunch! Seriously?!" abbey returned, her voice consistently rising in high-pitched exasperation.

Jed had nervously bounced on his toes and sighed. "Cripes, Abbey. I'm trying to do a nice thing here. Trying to share with you all of the little bits of myself that I don't let anyone else see. I'm putting myself out on the line here so for God sakes can you get your ass inside before I do it for you!"

Part of her was shocked at his exclaimation, but a much larger part of her had to fight from laughing. "See, all you had to do was ask nicely."

He had muttered something under his breath as he ushered her in, weaving her through the crowd to a table in the back. I'll be right back," he had said as he went back towards the bar.

Despite her initial trepidation, as Abbey looked around, it wasn't hard for her to figure out why Jed liked this place so much. It was different from the other places he had taken her. From looking at and listening to the crowd, it was very mixed. They ranged in age from university students, like him, to men and women who looked like they had seen the world, and everyone in between. Discussions were being had in a multitude of topics, both intellectual and recreational. She could almost picture him sitting in this exact seat debating, laughing and drinking with everyone else and she smiled. God, how she loved this man.

This man who, at the moment, was struggling to get back to the table with two pints of beer over his head. He reached to table and plunked both the glasses and himself down with a sigh. "Animals," he gasped.

"So, are we going to have to make due with just one round tonight, or are you going to brave the throngs again, wuss boy?" Abbey laughed.

"Of course not, chugmeister. It is good for you that you are with a genius," he smiled.

"Oh really? And what do you mean by…"

Abbey was interrupted by the arrival a little boy at the table who was carrying two more tumblers. "Here you go, Mr. Bartlet."

The boy struggled to get the glasses onto the table, "Let me help you with those, my good man." Jed reached to save the beer from spilling. "And tell your Dad that you definitely have a future in tending bar."

The boy laughed and Abbey smiled at the exchange. From the way he interacted with children, she could hardly believe that he had once considered a path that would have left them without any of their own. 'No, wait,' she thought, 'His own. Not ours, his. Don't go putting the cart before the, well everything.'

"I will." The boy said as he moved to walk away, but then turned around. "Oh, I almost forgot." He moved forward and whispered something into Jed's ear that made him laugh out loud.

"Ha! Well tell your Dad thanks for trying and your Mom I wouldn't trust this lot either."

The boy walked away.

"What was that all about?" Abbey asked.

Jed smiled slightly, fussing with the glasses on the table. "I had asked Matt, the owner, if I could, since you were so big on this 'romance' thing, borrow a candle or something."

"Oh, Jed."

"Yeah, but then his wife said she doesn't trust any of the customers around fire. Apparently there was an incident a few years ago with a toupee and, I don't know."

Abbey laughed, "Well, it's the try that counts."

"True. But now it is time to let you in on the real reason for this adventure. Now I bet you were thinking I liked this place for the atmosphere and the people?"

'How did he know that?' she thought. "Perhaps."

"Well, I can assure you that is not truly the case."

"Oh, then do share the case," she said, a seductive tone to her voice.

"Well," he whispered lifting two of the glasses off of the table, "if I were to tell you that the reason I dragged you all of the way out here was that this pub has the finest, most powerful and mysterious ale I have ever tasted and I needed to share it with you, what would you say?"

"I would say," she paused, "well, I think you are a little nutty for describing a beer like that and I would say you must like sleeping on the couch."

He laughed and didn't bother to counter her, only handed her the pint. "Cheers," he said as he clinked their glasses together.

She lifted the glass to her lips, a skepticism still playing across her face. She looked at him and found that, despite the fact he was drinking, his eyes never left her face. She shook her head in resignation and took a sip…

Three hours later, they still sat in the same chairs, the table littered with pint glasses as the bartender shouted for last call. But neither of them noticed.

Jed had been right, the beer had been amazing. Abbey couldn't even think of words that could describe the taste of it. It was… okay it was mysterious.

She had felt so warm and content. Yes, part of it was from the ale that was now sloshing freely through her veins. But most of it was a result of the young man sitting across from her. He wasn't even touching her, yet she had felt as though she was deep within his embrace. Never in her life had she felt safer and more loved than she did at that moment. Any concerns she had felt about their relationship, about making a commitment were floating away as each moment past, as one conversation moved into the next

Abbey had never told him this, but it was that night, sitting in that pub that she hadn't wanted to go to, drinking beer that she hadn't believed could taste that good that she knew he was the one. When she realized that she could sit across from him for the rest of her life and never get tired of it.

And from that point on, whenever she was down or stressed and as her friends reached for candy, chips or massive amounts of alcohol, all she had to do was open just one beer and suddenly all was right with the world. Suddenly, she was transported back to that January night when she realized all she ever needed, all she could ever want was sitting across from her in a tiny little pub.

But tonight it wasn't working. Tonight, she felt, all of the booze in the world couldn't drown her sorrows away. Tonight even her happiest of memories filled her with anger and hurt. Not just because of the events that had transpired within them, but because she was keenly aware, not for the first time, of truly how deeply her husband was intertwined in her life. He was in every memory. In every thought.

'I can run as far as I want,' she thought, 'but it will never be far enough.'

She was so confused, so torn. Talking with Ellie should have made things clearer. But she was still waiting for that sign, hoping she could interpret it correctly when it came along.

She knew that she was just looking for someone else to make the decision here because, deep in her heart she knew what she had to do. Deep in her heart, she was still that 21 year old girl who never wanted to let go.

But too many years and too much heartbreak later, the voice of that girl was being shouted out by others. Others who, despite everything, made a lot of sense.

Ellie had told her to listen. Listen for what? Listen to what? How could she listen when he wouldn't even talk to her? How could she listen when she didn't want to hear?

When she didn't want to have another promise broken. Promises that were decades old.

She blindly sipped from her bottle, her immediate surroundings have slipped away long ago. She was in a place long ago and far away, remembering one final thing from that night long ago. The thing that she had never told Ellie or Liz. The promise Jed had made that he was breaking. That the broken promise that hurt more than any deal ever could.

That night in London, after they had left the Pub, Jed had wound them through some more back streets so they actually managed to walk along the Thames for a bit.

A cold wind had begun to blow and he had wrapped his arm around her, holding her close. They had chatted some, but mostly walked in quietly, hoping their silence could fend off the inevitable.

Finally, she broke the silence. "This has really been the most amazing week."

"Well, you're welcome," he had said seductively, right into her ear, earning himself a quick jab in the side.

"I'm being serious here."

"And you think that I'm not?"

"No, I know you are and that scares me a little," she said stopping and putting her arms under his coat and around his waist. "But, really, I can't even put into words what this has been. It's…" her voice cracked, "It's just been amazing. Everything. London. The tours. The museums. And, yes, you."

He pulled her closer as she began to lose her battle with her emotions. "Well, I do what I can." She chuckled into his chest. "And it's only the beginning. We've got time to make up for and a lot of time yet to live."

Abbey pulled her face away from Jed's chest and looked down. "I'm so sorry," she sniffled, "I'm so sorry that I…"

"Whoa," Jed said, lifting her chin and wiping away the tears that had begun to fall, "I thought we said no more apologies. That's over."

"I know but…"

"No 'buts.' Listen, I can't promise that we're never going to fight again. I can't promise that I'm not going to do something everyday to make you question why you ever got yourself into this mess."

Abbey laughed as she wiped at her eyes.

"And you can't either. But what I can promise is that, when I do, I will do everything in my power to fix it. No matter what, I'll do it."

It was a simple promise, one that she had barely even taken the time to process at that moment, but that had stayed with her to that very day.

He had slouched down and met her eyes with his. She looked up and all she saw was raw emotion, raw love that she almost began to sob.

"Because, my God Abigail… is this seat taken?"

And then she… wait, that wasn't what he said. He said…

"Is this a private party or can anyone join?"

'No, wait. That's not right either.' Abbey thought, as she shook her head.

"No. Oh. Okay."

Suddenly Abbey realized that the voice she was hearing was not in her memories, it was not full of youth and energy. It was in her present, it was full of age and exhaustion.

With trepidation, she opened her eyes to meet the retreating form of the man who she had been trying so desperately to avoid.

She could have let him go, could have left this argument for, well, never. But time wouldn't heal this wound while it was still open. And she didn't think that her heart could handle any more of these ghost filled nights.

It was time.

"Jed."

He stopped.

"Come back."

--------------------------------------------------

Abbey watched him as he slowly made his way back to her. He was tentative, as if at any moment she might lash out at him or change her mind and tell him to go away again.

'When did we become so afraid of each other,' she thought as she brought her legs down off of the swing to make room for him.

He sat down carefully, holding the side of the swing, much like she had, to prevent it from squeaking. Almost unconsciously, he patted his lap to have her return her feet to their original position. She raised them back up and he rubbed her shins just for a second before positing his arm across the back of the swing.

It wasn't until that moment that Abbey realized, although she had been watching him the whole time, Jed had yet to look at her. His gaze was locked on some point in the fields as his feet absently rocked the swing.

She wasn't sure how long they sat there in silence. It was probably only a few minutes, but it felt like

an eternity. And she knew that he wasn't going to be the one to break the silence and she didn't really want to either. This was actually the most enjoyable experience they had had with each other in the past few weeks.

But she had some important decisions to share with him and she couldn't wait any longer.

'Just cowboy up and jump right in, Abigail," she thought.

"Get everything settled for tomorrow?" 'Okay. Not so much for the jumping in.

There was a long pause before he came out of his thoughts, still not looking at her. "Huh?"

"I said, did you get everything settled? At the site?"

"Oh, yeah. The speech is locked."

"Ah, so that explains it," she said with a chuckle.

"Explains what?"

"Toby and Doug. I hadn't heard from them for a while. I thought they might have taken each other out."

Jed finally smiled softly and, despite the benign nature of the conversation, something in Abbey's heart flickered.

'No!' she thought. 'Don't do this now. I won't be able to say what I want… need to if this happens.'

"The girls settled?" he asked.

"Wha… yeah. Doug and the kids are getting here in the morning."

"Okay."

"Liz said it's all Gus has been able to talk about."

"Yeah."

Abbey sighed heavily. There had been a time when silence was precious to them. When having the chance to sit on the porch for even five minutes with no speaking and no interruption would have been a special treat. Words weren't necessary.

But now the silence was deafening. They were becoming those people.

"God, Jed, how did this happen to us?" Abbey asked.

"I wish I knew."

Abbey jumped. It wasn't until Jed had responded that she even realized she had asked that question out loud.

'Was that the sign I've been looking for?' Abbey questioned herself. 'I've been waiting so long for the push to do this. Maybe my own stupidity was what I needed. I need to do this.'

She took a deep breath and spoke.

"Jed, there's something I need to tell you."

"Abbey, there's something I need to tell you."

Abbey whirled her head around as she heard her words echoed in her husband's voice, only to find that was still staring blankly into the dark.

Jed chuckled softly. "Well, we aren't that out of sync."

"Yeah. Jed, I need to do this…"

Without an indication, he interrupted her. "No, Abbey."

The flat tone of his voice shocked her, but her response came out more as anger than surprise. "Excuse me?"

"You've wanted me to talk to you for weeks, and I haven't. I couldn't. I just didn't know what to say."

Abbey pulled her legs off of his lap. "Oh, and now you do?"

"Probably not, but I can't go on not saying anything."

Abbey sat silently for a moment. Part of her was happy that he was finally coming to her, that he finally had the time to talk. But that was only a small part. The rest of her was angry. Angry not because of what he had done, but because she had finally come to a decision, finally been ready to talk and now he was going to try to put her off.

"Jed, nothing you say is going to change what you did."

He sighed. "I know. So then what does it matter if I go first?"

She could feel the tension building in her muscles, but her voice only came out in a strained whisper. "Dammit, Jed. Why?"

She dropped her head, her hair falling into her face. 'Well, now we know who Ellie got it from,' she thought.

"That's what I'm trying to explain to you."

She could tell that he too was trying to contain his frustrations, but she couldn't help but smile when she realized he had misunderstood her question.

"Why, why must you always go first?"

She glanced over at him, begging for him to meet her eyes, but he continued to stare into the distance. However, his eyes were now glassed over, tears threatening to fall.

When he finally spoke, his voice was laden with emotion. "Because I think I know what you are going to say." He paused. "And I'm afraid of it."

And for the first time in weeks, her heart softened for him. "Oh, Jed."

"You told me that I had to reach out to the staff, and then I would start to feel better."

She smiled. "Wow, you were actually listening to me."

The corners of his mouth upturned. "It happens. But I could prostrate myself at their feet and pray for forgiveness. And…" He paused again.

Then, for the first time, he turned towards her, locking their eyes. And the pain that she saw there made her soul go cold. "And it would mean nothing if I didn't beg for yours first."

And for a moment, her walls came tumbling down. All she wanted to do was pull him into her arms and keep him there forever. She would be willing to let him climb Everest if it made that pain go away.

But just for a moment.

"I need you to know why I did it. Why I decided to run again…"

And the walls rose again, ten feet taller. Abbey violently pushed herself up from the swing, causing it to slam into the house. But she could care less about who heard them now.

But it didn't stop Jed. "It was my decision. Mine and mine alone. No one made me do it."

She walked to the porch railing, searching for that point on the horizon that Jed had found so interesting. "You know what, Jed, if that is all you've got. Then I don't want to hear it. I don't want you to keep protecting those ignorant, emotionless asses that work with you. You are honestly going to sit here and tell me that they had nothing to do with it?!"

"Yes!"

"Honestly?!"

Now it was Jed's turn to throw himself up from his seat. "Dammit, Abigail! I didn't come out here for a fight! I came out here to talk to you. I came out here to tell you things that I don't think I can tell anyone else because they wouldn't understand and they might think that I'm insane. You say that I am always the angry one, that I bring the fight, that I don't want to listen. Well who's angry, who's fighting now?"

She turned to look at him out of the corner of her eye. His face was red, his hair falling into his eyes. He was leaning on the railing and his chest was heaving. She knew his energy was gone.

"Please," he said in a child's tone, "just listen to me."

Abbey was about to whirl around and throw accusations at him. Ask him how he liked it. And then lay her decision right out for him. But as she was about to open her mouth, something stopped her.

Ellie.

'…make sure you listen to him…'

'Aw, hell,' she thought. 'When did she become so smart?'

She kept her gaze fixed on the night and said, "Tell me."

She didn't have to turn around to know that there would be a look of surprise on his face. He would have been expecting the tirade as well. She could see him pushing his hair back, leaning on the rail with one hand.

"Um, do you want to sit down?"

"No," she said coarsely. She knew he wouldn't sit if she didn't and part of her didn't want to give him that comfort, despite her new attempts at kindness.

With a quick glance, she saw him turn, his stance now a perfect copy of hers. If anyone saw them right now, they would probably laugh. 

'They don't tell you about these things,' she thought. 'You figure you'll start speaking in similar sentences, pronouncing words the same way, even make similar gestures. But they don't mention that you'll start standing like each other.'

"You know, this will be much more effective if you are paying attention to me."

Jed's voice pulled her from her thoughts. "What? Sorry."

"Yeah. Okay."

"So what happened?"

She heard his feet shuffle. It was something he did when he was extremely nervous. The man could stand still at a speech for hours, but then something like this could make him crazy.

"I won't interrupt you, Jed. Just tell me wha…"

"When I said that no one had influenced my decision before I… I might have been… I wasn't telling the… I mean…" He laughed nervously. "See, this is where the crazy part comes in."

One sentence in and she was already breaking her promise not to talk. "I know that Leo's opinion means a lot to you. What did he…?"

"I had been having the most vivid memories all day. Little moments, little things, were bringing me back forty years…"

'Forty years? What happened forty…'

"When I first met her."

He didn't have to say who "her" was. He hadn't been able to speak Mrs. Landingham's name since he had stumbled, stunned into the residence to tell her what happened.

"And all day, I saw us. I saw her. And all I kept remembering was the time she came to me about the teachers wages, and how there was a discrepancy between what the men and the women made. And how she wanted me to go to my father with it."

Abbey's body tensed at the mention of his father. She now had a clear idea of where this was going.

"She didn't know what our relationship was. Not then. But I told her to bring me numbers. To show me how bad it was. I never intended to do it. Never intended to help.

"But then she brought them to me. And, for the first time in my life, I thought there was something wrong there… And I believed that I could fix it. So I went to him. But I never got far enough to talk with him about it."

'Oh, Jed.' Abbey saw him unconsciously reach out and rub his cheek, a gesture she had seen many times when they had discussed his father. She had to fight the urge to turn to him.

"She made me believe in myself then. And despite the fact that he… He didn't listen to me, I still felt empowered. I still felt like I had, for the first time, stood up to him. I might have been knocked down, but I wasn't knocked out. I went in there to help others, but I really did it for me."

"And she made me believe in myself now."

Abbey's brow furrowed and she finally turned towards her husband.

"Yeah, see here comes the crazy part," he laughed. "I was in Leo's office. Donna had just been in there, talking about the weather, CJ reminded me about where the guy from the Times was going to be."

She didn't know why, but Abbey felt compelled to take a step towards him.

"And when she left, I went into my office. I just wanted to look at it one more time.

"I was standing in front of my desk, when the portico door swung open. Charlie said that… when there were… yeah, that doesn't matter. But instead of calling for him I… I…"

She knew exactly what he had done.

"I called for her. My God, Abbey, I called for a woman who had been dead for days. And for a split second, I expected her to walk through the door. Walk through the door and scold me for being too loud."

Abbey couldn't help the smile that broke across her face.

"But then the strangest thing happened. She did."

She stepped back, somewhat shocked by this admission.

"I know. Crazy. But she was there. She was as real as you are right now. I stared her right in the eyes. I was even considering poking her a little, but that might have been too much. But then she started talking. She started making jokes.

"And it didn't matter if she was real or not. It didn't matter if it was her or something else manifesting itself as her. It didn't matter if I had just collapsed in the Oval and was heading towards the white light. She was there.

"But she was different. She was bolder. She was honest. She said the things I had always wished I had the nerve to say. She…"

In the darkness she saw a sly grin come on to his face.

"She called my father a prick in the middle of the Oval Office. The woman who wouldn't let anyone say darn when they were within a hundred yards of the place swore a foot from the seal.

'That's my girl,' Abbey thought, beginning to smile. But that smile fell as she saw the emotion that now played on her husband's face.

"Then she started asking me questions, giving me numbers. She told me I would get the party back. She said… She said she would respect me if I didn't want to run again. But… But if I didn't run because I was scared…

"Then she didn't want to know me. And she just left."

Abbey's chin began to tremble. 'Crap, Delores. You're kicking my ass from the great beyond.'

"I went out through the open door. I was standing in the driving ran, but I didn't feel a drop of it. And I realized something."

He slowly turned to her and cautiously stepped forward. He stood about two feet from her when he reached out for her hand. She didn't want to do it. Every bone, every muscle screamed for her not to give in. But she reached for his back.

He clasped it tightly and continued. "She made me believe in myself again. I was so beat. So down. I had been taking orders from everyone. Letting everyone else run my life. And I couldn't do that anymore. I needed to make a stand. I needed to do something for me and only me. I… I needed to risk getting slapped across the face again because if I didn't, I wouldn't want to know me either."

Abbey moved to pull away, but he wouldn't let her go. "Jed, I can't."

But he continued, unhindered. "You were the only other person in my life who has been able to make me believe like that. And it killed me when it was done. It killed me to know that I had made a decision that would hurt you so much. That would break down all of the trust you had for me. You have to believe that."

She tried to turn away, but he wouldn't let her. "But in the moment, when I did it, I hate to say that I was just thinking of myself. That I did what I needed to do to stay true to who I was. If I didn't do this than I would be betraying all that you had made me to be. All of the confidence and pride that you gave me.

"I walk away now, and people will think that I gave up. That I gave in. Yes, we would know the real reason. We would know that there was more to it than fear. But no one else would. They would just think that Jed Bartlet was scared, that his lies, that his disease had defeated him. And I just can't let that happen. I just can't go silently back into that corner. I can't be the boy I was before I met you.

"It may not seem right, but if I hadn't hurt you, I wouldn't be the man you fell in love with."

From the way his breathing changed, she knew that he was finished. And now the speech that she had prepared was gone. All she could see, hear, feel was pain. Her's and his.

But the ball was in her court now. He had said what he needed to. She hadn't expected it. She had expected promises of grandeur, wishes to fix the world, desires to succeed. She hadn't expected to see the boy still clamoring for approval. Still trying to out run his father's shadow.

But she couldn't let this distract her. She had to stay focused.

She was still angry; she still wasn't sure she believed him. She knew she shouldn't be. She knew he wouldn't lie about something like this. About her. But now she hated him even more for making her feel guilty, for making her want to forgive him.

For being the man she always dreamed he could be.

For leaving her only able to say, "I knew."

--------------------------------------------------

The extended moment of silence that Abbey had created as she had organized her thoughts had not distracted Jed.

"Knew what?" he asked.

"As soon as you walked into the press conference. As soon as you took the podium. As soon as your hands went into your pockets. I knew."

"Yeah. I guess you would have." His face fell.

"Your eyes were burning with a passion. A light that I had not seen in a long time. And it hurt me. It hurt that I was trying to take away that passion."

She saw his face lift slightly, a hopeful glint taking over his eyes.

"But it hurt even more that I had not been the one to put it there."

"Oh." His eyes retreated.

"And the moment you called on Sandy. The moment you opened your mouth… My heart broke," Abbey said, her voice cracking.

If it was at all possible, Jed's head sunk further onto his chest and, with one quick squeeze, he released her hand.

"Please, don't say that," he said quietly.

"You did. You ripped my heart out and threw it on the floor. Suddenly I wasn't important enough. Suddenly my opinion didn't matter. For 33 years, we acted as one body, as one whole. And in one moment, that was shattered."

Tears were freely falling down her cheeks now as she continued.

"And now I don't know if I can trust you. You promised me that you would come home. Four years and out. Now that promise is out the window. And years ago, you promised me you would do anything to fix our problems. But I don't see much improvement here, do you?"

She threw her hands in the air and stepped back from him, retreating to her former position by the railing.

"Where did you go? What happened to the boy with the startling eyes that made me fall in love with him? I've lost you."

"I'm right here. I've always been right here." 

So caught up in her emotions, Abbey hadn't realized that Jed was now standing right next to her.

"No you're not. I've lost you. And I don't know if I can keep doing this. I don't know if I can let this continue to tear me apart. I'm just going to be sitting here, waiting for the next big thing. For the next bomb to drop," she said, wiping at her eyes.

"There aren't any other things. There won't be any other things." He tried to sound stern, but his tone was unconvincing at best.

"Yes there will." She turned to him. "My God, Jed. You are the President of the United States. Of course there is going to be something else. Of course there will be things you won't tell me. Of course there are going to be secrets that could destroy us."

"I won't allow it," he replied, shaking his head.

"You'll have to. But I don't. I don't have to wake up one morning and realize that I don't know you any more. That at sometime during the night you became someone I can't stand to look in the eye."

She paused, unable to look in his eyes now. Terrified of the paid she would see there. The pain she was creating.

Here it was, the big moment. She couldn't believe she was about to do it. After his whole speech about Mrs. Landingham. How could she be so cruel, so harsh? Was it possible that this was the right thing for him to do? Was it really possible that her anger at him for succeeding was blinding her to what he really needed?

'No, Abbey, stop,' she thought. 'You need to do this. This is it this is the sign you've been waiting for this is…'

Her train of thought was flung from its tracks as a window over head was thrown open and the sounds of music and yelling came tumbling down.

"When did we open a disco?" Jed said weakly, but she didn't take the bait.

"Jed, I…"

"Tell me you want me to step down."

She was so set on her decision, that she almost didn't hear him. "What?"

"Tell me that this is going to destroy us. Tell me that you can't stand by me. And I won't even wait for the election. I'll write up a letter and give the show over to Hoynes right now."

"Huh? Jed…"

"Don't you know that you mean more than this? We are becoming those people. The ones we never wanted to be. I've said it before, and I'll say it now, I won't allow it."

Her speech, her decision were, for the second time, forgotten. "But after all you just said. After what happened in the Oval."

"God Himself could have come down and told me to run again. But if he said I would have to do it without you beside me." He paused. "I would risk the fires of hell rather than follow His will.

"So tell me, tell me you need me, tell me you can't live without me. Because God knows I can't live without you."

And there it was. He had laid it out on the table. All of it.

This had to be the moment. The flicking of the switch that Ellie had talked about. Well, at least she was pretty sure it was. Then again, she had thought this same thing a moment ago.

But no, this had to be it. He had put it out there. There would be no guilt, no anger. This was his idea. She would just be following it. Part of him must want it too. He is the one putting it…

'But this is how we got here in the first place,' she thought. 'He never wanted that deal in the first place, but he did it for me. And now look at him. Look at what I turned him into.'

And suddenly, Abbey the picture became clear.

No matter what she decided, she could lose him.

She could lose him to the stress of the job, or to the anger at having had to give it up.

And now she knew what she had to do.

Abbey turned to Jed and walked slowly towards him, intent on delivering her words quickly before she would regret them. She stopped a foot from him, wanting to be close when she delivered this blow.

But then fate stepped in again.

As she opened her mouth, a song began to drift through the curtains, the wind having caught the sound just right.

The opening strains gave her pause and she tilted her head. She knew this song. It was one of those sappy ones that the girls loved to sing together. She knew all of the lyrics by heart.

And she couldn't believe that it was playing at this exact moment. It made her chuckle wistfully. And something inside of her clicked. Suddenly, all she wanted was for this to be done and gone.  
All she wanted was him.

"Abbey?" Jed said, his voice very uncertain.

She looked at him softly, and then did something that, just minutes before, she never would have considered doing.

"Dance with me, Jed."

The look of surprise on her husband's face was almost comical. He stepped towards her with the nervousness of a 12 year old boy at his first dance.

But there was no awkwardness in the way he pulled her into his arms. In the way his arm fit securely across the small of her back, as hers made it up to the back of his neck. In the way that her head fit right under his chin and their clasped hands laid over his heart.

"Abbey, what…" his voice rumbled against her cheek.

"Please, let's just have this," she said as the lyrics began to carry.

He nodded against her head.

Don't think I can't feel there's something wrong  
You've been the sweetest part of my life so long  
I look in your eyes there's a distant light  
And you and I know there'll be a storm tonight  
This is getting serious  
Are you thinking 'bout you or us

And that was the question Ellie had been asking her, the one that she had been unconsciously asking herself for weeks. She didn't have an answer before.

She did now.

She had been selfish. Today. Four years ago. But so had he.

She had been so afraid of losing him in the future. So afraid of the day that his disease would take him from her that she was willing to put everything on the line to keep him with her. She had been scared of knowing that pain.

Tonight, she had been ready to leave him.

Don't say what you're about to say  
Look back before you leave my life  
Be sure before you close that door  
Before you roll those dice  
Baby think twice

But she did think twice about it. And she would probably never know if it was Jed's story, his willingness to give it all up for her, or her own conscience that made her change her mind. But she had done so. Because she finally realized something.

She had almost lost him before. She knew that pain.

Abbey burrowed herself further into her husband's chest and he, in return, tightened his grip on her.

She knew that pain.

The memories came back to her with lightening speed.

'In Dr. Adams', the ophthalmologist, office… 'Abbey, I was telling Jed that I would like to refer him to a neurologist. I saw something that just wasn't right.''

'When Dr. Vikram put the copies of the MRI up on the light board.'

'Abbey, I'm not feeling well' 'Jed, you have the flu, you don't need me to…' 'Abbey, I collapsed in the Oval.' 'Brian, turn the car around.'

Baby think twice for the sake of our love, for the memory  
For the fire and the faith that was you and me  
Baby I know it ain't easy when your soul cries out for a higher ground  
'Coz when you're halfway up, you're always halfway down  
But baby this is serious  
Are you thinking 'bout you or us

But none of these moments could compare with… None of them held a candle to what had happened just a year before…

'Sitting in her office. The door opening without a knock. 'Mrs. Bartlet, shots were fired on the President'

'Jumping from her chair. 'Jed…. No, Zoey…' 'They are fine Ma'am. On their way back.'

'Dropping into her chair in relief.'

'The doors slamming open again. Mike looking at her. By the time she was out the door, he had barely had the chance to blink.'

'The car ride. Only being able to pray for just one more moment to be with him. One more look in his eyes. One more I love you.'

'Seeing him lying on that table. Her doctor practicality trying to overcome the basic notion that her other whole had just been shot.'

That night, she didn't cry until he was in recovery, until they were alone. But the sobs that wracked her body that night were nothing compared to the tears which now fell silently down her cheeks.

And the ones that she could feel falling, just as silently, into her hair.

The chorus rolled on again and she came back into the present.

She still hated the fact that he had betrayed her, no matter whose idea it all was in the first place. She still hated what this place had done to them. She still feared what it might do to them in the years to come.

But that was life. And there are no guarantees that, were she to tell him to step back, life would turn out as she wanted it to.

Ellie was right. This is who he is. Anything else and he wouldn't be her Jed.

The song was coming to an end, and she moved to pull back slightly, but he kept her close. At first she was confused, but then she felt his head lean down, his lips scrape past her ear. And he began to sing along.

"Don't do what you're about to do. My everything depends on you. And whatever it takes, I'll sacrifice. Before you roll those dice. Baby think twice."

The tears began to roll again as his gravelly voice whispered in her ear. She should have known he would have the words committed to memory as she did.

"So does mine," she whispered in return.

As the song ended, Jed placed a very tentative kiss on the side of her neck and pulled away, keeping her in his arms. His face was, if possible, coated with even more uncertainty and fear than before.

"Abbey I… why… I need to…" He paused. "Was this our last dance?"

Her head shot up and her eyes locked on his. "Jed, I…"

THUMP

"Ow!"

"Well don't push me."

"Oh shut up!"

The lights on the porch came on blazing and Jed and Abbey broke apart like guilty teens as the Bartlet girls came stomping out.

"Hey, it's not my fault that… Crap."

Ellie was at the head of the pack and stopped short at the sight of her parents in a very emotional moment. Her stopping caused Zoey and Liz who were directly behind and engrossed in some argument to collide with her and each other.

"Mom, Dad. I'm… We're sorry. We didn't know you were out here. The lights were off."

Abbey picked a non-existent string from Jed's shirt. "Well, we were just talking. We didn't want to call any attention to it."

Both Abbey and Jed tried to straighten themselves out and clear their faces, but they knew it was pointless. Liz was the first one to address it.

"Are you okay?" She asked.

"What? Yeah, we're fine. Just working somethings out," Jed replied, his hesitancy making the statement unconvincing.

"Anything we need to know about?" Ellie then asked, her eyes locked right on her mother.

"Um… I don't know," Jed said, "Is there?"

He looked at his wife with pleading eyes. And Abbey could also see that sentiment mirrored in Ellie's. But, with a touch to Jed's cheek, the worry melted away from both.

"Nope. Just listening."

The smile that crossed Jed's face was very hesitant. She could tell that he knew this wasn't over, not by far. That she really hadn't given any answers tonight. But it was something.

"Well, good. Then let's go!" Zoey shouted, ending the moment.

Abbey broke from her husband's gaze. "Off for some fun bonding, then?"

"The usual. Boozing it up. Chasing after guys," Liz said casually as the girls moved towards the steps.

"Excuse me, Mrs. Westin?" Jed said.

Liz laughed and kissed her father on the cheek. "Don't wait up!"

Jed and Abbey both watched their daughters until they were out of site. Then he turned to her again.

"Abbey I need to know what you mean by…"

"Excuse me, Mr. Pres… Oh, I'm sorry. I just saw the girls leave so I thought…"

Leo was now standing in the doorway.

"Yeah, listen…" Jed tried to respond, never looking at his Chief of Staff. "Remind me why I haven't fired you yet?"

"I just needed to go over a few last things. But they can wait."

"Yeah."

"Okay then I'll just…" Leo moved to leave, but Abbey's words stopped him.

"Wait. He's going with you."

"But we need to…" Jed said.

"You need to do this. I need to go to bed. This can wait until tomorrow."

"Can it? I don't want to…"

She cut him off. "It can and it will. Go."

Abbey squeezed his hand once and then released it.

"Are you sure?" Jed asked as he opened the door.

With a soft smile, she turned her head back out to look at the farm. "Yeah."

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

Jed walked through the door and it slammed shut behind him. Within seconds, the porch was again shrouded in darkness as Jed turned out the light.

And Abbey stood, again alone, again in darkness. But for the first time in weeks, she didn't feel alone and she could see the stars shining down on her, lighting her way.

She knew she wasn't there yet. That they weren't whole again. That she really hadn't had that moment of clarity, when she would know she had made the right decision. And she really had yet to tell Jed what that decision was.

But that time would come.

--------------------------------------------------

Beep Beep Beep, SLAP

Abbey almost didn't recognize the sound of the alarm clock. They had both gotten so used to getting a wake up call. But being able to use the alarm clock like a normal person was something that she knew Jed loved.

And she didn't mind it much either. At least she knew it was just an alarm and not someone calling to say that something had exploded.

She felt the bed shift next to her and, without even turning, she could see in her mind exactly what he looked like right now.

His arms would be on his knees, his shoulders slumped. Then he would start stiffly flexing his neck from side to side. His arms would stretch out straight in front of him, then his hands would return to his face to rub at his eyes and muss up his hair.

Then, right on cue, he slowly stood up.

She smiled softly and was about to turn over. But then she stopped.

Last night.

The memories of what had happened came rushing back to her with such a force that she almost felt like she was being held down.

She had made her decision. She would stand by him. And she was 99 percent sure that she had done the right thing.

But it was that one percent that, right now, was making her feel like she wanted to be sick. That little doubt that made her not want to turn over and face him just yet, for fear she would break down again. That she would say something she shouldn't.

And she had a wide open door to suddenly change her mind. She hadn't actually told him anything. Sure, last night, she had said that it could wait. That things were okay. But from the look on his face them, and the way he was already acting this morning, he still didn't know what exactly that meant.

So she had the opportunity here to change her mind. Her heart was racing at the thought. She could still have him back. All she had to say were a few little words and it would all be over.

'No,' she thought as she took a deep breath. 'This is the way things have to be.'

And she closed her eyes and drifted back to sleep.

When she awoke a little while later, the smell of coffee was drifting into the room and the once rising sun was blazing in through the windows.

She hesitantly turned over, only to find Jed's robe and pajamas hanging on the end of the bed. She let out a breath she didn't even know she was holding.

"Well, Abbey, staying in bed all day won't change anything," she said to herself as she pushed up from the mattress and headed for the shower.

Twenty minutes later, she was still drying her hair as she walked into the kitchen. She had expected to see her whole family there. But the only one there was Jed.

He was in a t-shirt and jeans, his wet hair sticking up at all angles as he attempted to fish a piece of bread from the toaster. She smiled as the thought how, from the back, he still looked like the boy she met 35 years ago.

"You better not be using a fork for that," she announced.

He jumped slightly and, from his right hand, a fork clinked onto the floor.

"I would love to hear CJ try to spin that," she said with a laugh as she stepped towards the coffeemaker.

"I was being careful," Jed returned, having finally dislodged the offending piece of toast.

"That's what you always say before I have to take you to the ER." She grabbed the coffee and some fruit salad from the refrigerator, before taking a seat at the kitchen table.

"Well, good morning to you too," he grumbled.

She didn't outwardly react to the tone in his voice, but inside it was killing her.

'Jackass. He's still angry at me. How can he still doubt my decision?' she thought as she munched on her breakfast. 'Because I haven't reached out to him.'

The thought made her shake her head. 'I made a big deal about him reaching out and talking. And he did. Now I have to follow my own advice.'

The problem was, she had no idea what to say.

"Jed, I…"

"Yes?" he responded anxiously, as if he had just been waiting for her to start talking.

"About last night. I think we…"

"I'm DYING!" Zoey moaned as she stumbled into the room.

Jed's eyes opened wide and his jaw clenched. "I swear to God, I am going to kill all of them. I thought once they were able to, you know, have their own credit cards, we would be able to finish a sentence."

Abbey chuckled and shook her head. Any chance they had for serious conversation was now gone.

"What, too many milkshakes and cookies for you last night?" Abbey said in a voice slightly louder than she normally used, causing Zoey to rub at her forehead.

"Ohh… Please. Don't mention food. I don't think I am ever going to eat again. Because I'll be dead," Zoey said as her head fell down to the table.

Without having to be asked, Jed got up from the table and returned with a glass of water and some Advil. He plunked them down on the table forcefully, smiling as Zoey's head popped up violently. "I am going to assume that you just caught a nasty bug from someone last night. Because there is no way that the daughter of the President of the United States was out drinking illegally. Or that her sisters were buying drinks for her!"

Abbey turned her head to follow the direction at which his last comment was sent, to find her eldest daughter leaning up against the door frame. Her face was not as ashen as Zoey's was, but she was obviously in some pain.

"Don't start Dad. I'm libel to throw up all over you. Coffee?" Liz asked.

"In the pot," Abbey answered. "Where's Ellie?"

"In the shower. She could actually, you know, stand up straight."

Abbey watched as Jed put his glasses back on and returned to the paper he had been reading. "Oh, well that's great. At least we don't have anything important to do on national television today. Oh, no, wait a minute…"

Both girls groaned and let out a stream of soft expletives and sunk into their own misery. Abbey turned to Jed, unsure if the tone he had just used was in seriousness or jest.

"Jed, don't be so hard on them."

"Don't be so…" he began as he pushed up from the table. "Liz, your kids are going to be here in a few hours. You both look like you were, well, doing what you did. We are about to go on national television. Thank God it's outdoors so you can wear sunglasses. And I'm just hoping that there was no press out last night."

"Jed, stop," Abbey stated, her level of annoyance growing as he went on.

"But you want to know what gets me most of all? What really hurts?"

"JED!"

Both girls shrank back at their mother's exclamation, but their father didn't hesitate.

"How is it possible that we raised three perfect, angelic Irish-Catholic girls who can't hold their liquor? That's the main thing we Irish got going for ourselves!"

Abbey was about to scold him again, the anger that she had been repressing ready to bubble to the surface again. But then she saw the soft smile that was on his face and the looks of confusion their daughters were giving him. And she laughed.

Jed moved to kiss each of his daughters on the head, including Ellie who had just walked into the room wondering what all of the fuss was about.

"I'm going to get dressed," he announced as he headed for the stairs.

"But Jed," Abbey called out. She still hadn't explained things to him. She still needed to.

He turned around, looked her right in the eyes and smiled softly. Then without a word, he proceeded up the stairs.

"How does he do that?" Zoey asked, her voice muffled by the table she had her head back on.

Abbey returned her attention to the kitchen. "Do what?"

"Manager to turn things around so fast that you don't even know what happened?"

The three other Bartlet women laughed in recognition.

"It must be a talent," Ellie said, turning to meet her mother's eyes. "But that's why we love him, right?"

And without hesitation, Abbey answered.

"Yes it is."

A few hours later, Jed had disappeared, but the house was no bustling with excitement and people.

The girls, having managed to choke down a little breakfast, were now slightly better and only biting each others heads off as they got ready.

Abbey was dressed, save a few final touches, and was again in the front living room reviewing her speech for the hundredth time, when the crunching of gravel outside got her attention.

"Liz," she called up the stairs, "They're here!"

Abbey was sure she heard a thump and some cursing from upstairs as she moved to open the door. She had barely cracked it when something heavy and warm threw itself around her legs.

"Gamma, Gamma!"

She staggered back into the house, simultaneously extricating the boisterous little boy from her legs and hoisting him into her arms. He tightly wound his arms around her neck. For a moment, she toyed with the idea of telling him to watch her hair. But these moments were so few and far between that she just wanted to drink it in.

"Gusie!" she exclaimed into the child's hair. "How is my baby doing?"

He released his grip from her neck and pushed himself back. "No Gusie. No baby. I'm a big boy today."

She smiled. "Oh, well excuse me there, Gus. And why are you a big boy today?"

"'cause I got to ride in the big car with Daddy and Annie. 'cause I brought my new bike to ride and it's a real bike, not a twy… a tric… a…"

"A tricycle," Abbey added and he nodded. "Well that certainly makes you a…"

"AND 'cause I'm wearing my grown up suit," Gus interrupted as he squirmed to be placed on the ground.

Abbey lowered the boy and, for the first time, saw what he was wearing. He had on a pair of well pressed khaki pants and a blue oxford shirt. His feet were adorned in a set of gleaming brown loafers and a blue blazer covered the shirt.

But what made the outfit complete was the deep red and navy blue striped tie that hung around his neck. He looked like a little man.

A miniature version of his Grandfather.

"What do you think?" he asked as he twirled.

She reached out and smoothed his strawberry blonde hair down. "I think that time goes by way to fast, little man."

Gus's brow furrowed. "Huh?"

"What she means is you look very handsome," Liz's voice echoed down the stairs.

"Mommy!" Gus exclaimed, reaching his arms out towards her. "I missed you!"

"I missed you too, buddy," Liz responded, crouching down for a hug.

Abbey looked down on the two of them, but the only thing she could think of was that it was just yesterday, Liz was Gus's age and proclaiming what a big girl she was.

'Okay, Abs. You've got to get a grip,' she thought.

Liz looked up and smiled softly at her mom. "Now were are your…"

"Annie, if you don't stop with that and help me, you don't want to know what I am going to do."

"… Dad and sister."

The screen door swung open again and in came Doug toting several bags and Annie carrying a Game Boy and her backpack.

"Ugh, fine," Annie said, turning the machine off.

Doug smiled at Liz and Abbey, his teeth firmly clenched together. "Well, that's great. Since we are in the house now. Hi Abbey." He placed a kiss on his mother in law's cheek and then proceeded to his wife. "Please, don't leave me again."

Both women laughed.

"Ah, the rugrats have arrived," Ellie announced as she and Zoey came down the stairs.

Gus resumed his excited hopping and Annie even managed to crack a smile as the family exchanged hugs and greetings.

After a few moments, Gus began tugging at his mother's skirt. "Mommy, I want to see grandpa. Where is he?"

"Yeah, me too," Annie echoed.

Liz looked to her mother with uncertainty, and Abbey shook her head.

"You'll get to see him in a little bit. I don't know where he is…"

"He is out in the barn," a new voice stated from the porch.

Liz looked up and Abbey turned to find CJ standing outside the door. "I just left him out there."

"Come in, CJ," Abbey said.

"Good morning, ma'am. Hey Doug, Annie," CJ said as she walked in. "What's doing, Gusman?"

The little boy craned his neck up to her. "Do you think we can do see him?"

CJ looked at Abbey for confirmation then back to the boy. "I think he would love that."

"Yeah!" Gus exclaimed as he ran for the door and outside, Annie close on his heels.

"Be careful," Doug called.

"Doug, go with them," Liz said as she followed her children's running.

"They'll be fine," he returned, moving to pick up their luggage.

"Douglas Michael Westin. If that little boy gets one speck of hay on him, I swear to God…"

Doug shook his head and moved towards his wife, placing his hands on her shoulders. "Liz, everything will be… Oh, God… Gus! NO!!! Stay away from the pond!"

Doug ran out the door, the sound of feminine laughter following him.

When the laughter died, Zoey notified them all that the cars were going to be ready soon.

"Okay, I just need to finish getting ready," Abbey said, moving towards the stairs.

"Um, Mrs. Bartlet."

"Yes, CJ?" Abbey said, turning.

"I was wondering if I could speak with you for a moment."

After what had transpired in their last exchange, Abbey was slightly hesitant. 'Well, I am in a forgiving mood,' she thought.

"Sure. Why don't you come upstairs with me?"

Both women climbed the stairs and CJ followed Abbey into her bedroom, standing close to the door as Abbey made her way around, finishing things up.

"So, what's on your mind," she called from the bathroom.

"Well, I just wanted to apologize. For the other day. It really wasn't my business, nor is it anyone else's. I've just been trying to fix all the things that I can, lately. And for some reason, I thought I might be able to fix this. But, obviously, it wasn't mine to fix," CJ said hesitantly.

Abbey emerged from the bathroom, smoothing down her suit. She tilted her head sympathetically at the woman across from her who was fidgeting like a schoolgirl called to the principal's office.

"Well, I'm sorry too." CJ's head shot up.

"No, ma'am, I'm the one who needs to be sorry."

"Yes, you do." CJ smiled. "But there was no need for me to snap at you like I did. Anyone who has come within twenty feet of us over the past few weeks could sense something was wrong."

She stepped closer to CJ. "And I thank you for trying to help. It's more than anyone else has tried to do."

CJ nodded and moved to leave the room as Abbey turned and began to survey her surroundings with a wistful glance.

"Abbey." CJ's voice came back into the room. From the use of her first name, Abbey knew that CJ was about to tread into personal waters. It was a sign they had perfected over the years to help them define that line.

"Yes."

"I just.. I wanted to ask… How are you doing?"

Abbey smiled. "Well you're the first. If you had asked me that question yesterday, I might have had a different answer." She turned around. "But today, I am doing alright. Thank you."

CJ nodded again, but made no move to leave.

"Is there something else?" Abbey asked.

CJ hesitated. "Well, there is something else I've been wanting to talk to you about. Ever since the press conference. Something I thought you needed to know."

She shook her head and began to move through the room again. "You don't have to explain, Jed already took care of that."

"I just wanted you to know that we were all so proud of him. So proud that he stood up to fight. When Leo told us that he wasn't going to run, it was just such a blow. And after everything that had gone on, it just hurt us even more that…"

"Wait, Leo told you he wasn't going to run?" Abbey asked incredulously.

"Yes," CJ nodded. "We were just as shocked as you were."

"You are kidding me?"

"No, ma'am."

"Son of a bitch," Abbey whispered. He hadn't lied.

"Abbey?"

"Yeah, sorry. What were you saying?"

"Well, I don't know if this helps, or if there is even a point in sharing this with you. But I had been so angry with him. He had lied to us, he hadn't given us the opportunity to care. But then he stood up on that stage. And he showed such strength, such resilience that I couldn't help but, if you'll excuse this phrase, fall for him all over again."

Abbey smiled. "He has that effect on women."

CJ continued, "He was willing to fight for what he believed in. He had lied to protect you, to protect himself, to protect us. And as a friend he might have hurt me deeply. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized. These are the qualities I want in the person who leads my country. Forgiveness will come with time. But, until then, I have no problem checking the box next to his name."

With her piece finished, CJ moved to head out the door.

"You know what, CJ."

"Yes, Abbey?"

"Neither do I."

CJ smiled. "Well, since this is officially my last day as a marriage counselor, just one more piece of advice."

"Shoot."

"Why don't you tell him that?"

--------------------------------------------------

CJ's words were still ringing in Abbey's ears as the New Hampshire landscape flew past the motorcade.

Their departure had been, as always, rushed.

The service had been swarming. Leo was calling every two minutes to see if they were in the cars.

Gus and Annie had returned from their sojourn to the barn as perfectly manicured as when they had left. Doug, however, had had a run in with some rusty equipment and needed some new pants.

Somehow, they had managed to climb into their appropriate cars and now were just minutes from their destination.

Jed had gotten into the car after her, only sending a strained smile her way. He then settled back against his door and she against hers, an invisible wall marking the line between them.

They didn't exchange any words. Jed, usually a bundle of energy before a big speech, was distant and forlorn.

'So this is what we've come to,' Abbey thought. 'All because of one stupid promise. Doesn't he know what I meant? How can he look at last night and still think things are bad?'

She stared blankly out of the window. Her mind lost in thought and memory. 

"…were married to before they went there."

Jed's voice drifted across her mind and it took her a second to realize that he had been talking. She turned her head and looked at him with a questioning glance.

"What?"

His face was that of the shy, goofy kid that he put on when he was trying to make everything better. "I'm just saying it could have been worse. I could have been an astronaut."

Having missed the earlier part of his comment, she wasn't quite sure how this fit in with the marriage thing, but the idea of him being an astronaut was just, well, crazy. So much so that it made her want to laugh openly in his face.

"You could not have been an astronaut."

He hardly missed a beat before responding, "I'd have been a great astronaut."

'Oh, Jed. Here is why you never argue with someone who knows you better than you know yourself,' she thought.  
"You're afraid of heights, speed, fire and small places."

He paused for a moment, and she thought that her reason had won him over. Then she saw his eyes take a wistful look as they turned slightly towards the window again.

"I'd have overcome it to go to the moon."

A witty retort was right on her lips, but then his comment sunk in.

There it was.

Nothing on this earth could stop Jed Bartlet from reaching for his goals. From landing on the moon. Not his fears, not his lies and not his disease.

And that was why she loved him.

She looked at him intensely and, for the first time in weeks, didn't see pain there.

She saw love.

"I know you would have," she responded.

His head turned sharply and his eyes bore into hers.

Now she knew that this was the moment. She had set the stage. If she didn't tell him now. If she didn't give him some sort of confidence into her love before he stepped in front of that crowd, it would never happen. No, it would, but then it would be too late.

Again, she hadn't realized that he had begun talking, until he had finished. From the way he was looking at her, what ever he had said required a response. When she didn't give one, he looked away, as did she.

Abbey paused briefly, trying to think of the best way to convey her emotions. But she could only come up with someone else's words.

"There's something important I have to say."

Her words cut through the silence like a knife. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Jed's head turn quickly, his face tense with worry.

"Say it," came the quiet and terse response.

She kept her glance fixed on the seat across from her. "I haven't really made up my mind yet," she paused, watching the lines on his face become deeper, "but at the moment," another pause, and this time she saw fear which, oddly enough, made her smile.

'You've got no clue what is coming,' she thought.

"…I'm leaning towards voting for you."

What had just been a slight grin on her face was now threatening to turn into an all out smile as she watched her husband's reaction.

It was like the weight of the world had been lifted from his shoulders. His whole face, his whole body relaxed. The corners of his lips upturned and he nervously turned away from her. But it didn't matter, she could see the tears pooling in his eyes.

She looked away. She hadn't been expecting any response, but one would have been nice.

Then she felt it. Just a little spark running through her veins and her heart soared. When she looked down, she saw that he had crossed that invisible barrier that was between them and now held her hand so tightly, she was afraid he was going to break it.

And she could have cared less.

This time it was her eyes that began to sting as he lifted the back of her hand to his lips, kissing it gently and placing it against his heart. Then he spoke, in a voice that she could barely hear that was filled with emotion.

"Then I've already won."

It wasn't until that moment that he returned his eyes to hers. Her chin began to tremble and she longed to reach out and bury herself in his arms. But she knew that she wouldn't be able to stop there and neither would he.

So she settled for just nodding in response to his statement and scooting closer to him so she could lean softly on his shoulder. She felt him place a soft kiss on her head, as she softly rubbed his leg.

And in the distance, a band began to play.

The motorcade pulled up to the school, and they were forced from their moment of solitude. With a quick squeeze, Jed released her hand and emerged from the car. She was about to do the same when she realized that Jed had broken a bit of service protocol and was waiting to help her from the car.

"Gotta keep them on their toes," he said with a smile as she straightened herself out.

Their family was already headed up to the stage, the girls in obvious discomfort as they winced at the sun.

The first couple headed around to their entrance on the side of the school, where CJ met them with a smile.

'God, are we wearing a sign?' Abbey thought.

"Just think how she would be looking at us if you had let me have my way with you in the car," came the soft whisper in her ear. She was momentarily thrown, but recovered.

"Nah. I would have had enough time to fix myself back up."

Abbey chuckled as his jaw dropped in mock offense.

"Are you ready to begin, Ma'am? The speech is on the prompter."

"Well, then let's get this horse and pony show on the road," Abbey said, leaning to kiss her husband's cheek.

"Warm the place up for me, babe. I don't want a dead audience."

"That's what I'm here for."

With one last squeeze, she released his hand and began to walk away. But, just as she was about to leave ear shot, she was pretty sure she heard him say,

"Leo, I need to talk with the staff for a moment."

She stood at the foot of the stage, ready to make her entrance. "Well, Jed, I guess you were listening."

"Ma'am?" CJ questioned.

"Let's do this." And she stepped onto the stage.

The words flowed from her mouth with practiced ease. She had loved giving speeches since she was a little girl. And when it was something she really enjoyed talking about, it was even better.

Today, the praise for her husband flew from her lips with honesty and love. And it was over far too quickly.

"And so, my friends, it is my pleasure and my great fortune to introduce my husband, our friend, New Hampshire's greatest son, and the President of the United States: Josiah Bartlet"

The crowd roared their approval as she turned to applaud with them. The cheers got unimaginably louder as Jed stepped onto the stage.

Abbey risked a quick glance around. Their daughters were beaming, Doug and even Annie were openly cheering and Gus was, despite Liz's best discrete efforts, standing on his chair, his pudgy hands clapping in the air.

She then caught a glimpse at the staff emerging behind them. From the looks on their faces, Jed had reached out to them. And they had grabbed on.

Then, without warning, he was right in front of her. How she had missed his approach she didn't know. His eyes locked on her's and she saw something there. Something she just couldn't place.

She leaned towards him, expecting the perfunctory kiss on the cheek they usually shared at these events. But her husband had other plans.

She felt his hands, that had been lying across her shoulders, move down to her upper arms. Then, he pulled her towards him and kissed her. Not a sweet little peck on the cheek. But it wasn't like they were making out on the stage either.

It was perfect. His lips touched hers and she felt something inside of her come alive again.

She was home.

She felt his head turn slightly to the side and, with one last move, released her. Capturing her eyes for just a moment with an intense passion that promised that kiss was only the beginning.

Abbey silently hoped that the crowd wasn't close enough to see the flush that had risen up on her face as they turned to face the masses, waving and smiling.

After a few moments, their hands fell apart and Abbey made her way to her seat as Jed, with one final glance at her, stepped to the podium.

He opened his mouth to quiet the crowd and they listened, slowly taking their seats.

Abbey cast one more quick glance as she moved to arrange herself on her chair. But, when she looked back up, she saw something that she never expected to.

And the switch was flicked.

In the brief moment she had looked away, a beam of sunlight had cascaded down through the clouds and landed right on her husband.

It illuminated all of the tones in his hair. His skin, which had looked pale and gaunt, now seemed tan and ruddy. His suit gleamed. And his eyes…

The eyes that she had fallen in love with by that lake at Notre Dame were shining with a pride, with a power and with a desire that she hadn't seen there for a long time.

That was what she wasn't able to recognize in his eyes, because she hadn't seen it in so long.

It was him.

And in that moment, in that flash of light, she got the sign she had been waiting for. The other moments had just been that. Moments leading to this one. Her moment of clarity.

She knew it was going to be hard. She knew that this wasn't the last time they would fight. She couldn't promise that the next time wouldn't be worse. She couldn't promise that one day it all wouldn't become too much and that she would leave.

There was only thing she could promise, to this great man, her best friend, her lover, her husband, her soulmate. No matter what would happen, no matter how far separated they would become.

All she had left to promise was her heart.

And that would always be the only promise worth keeping.


End file.
